Waitressing: Proof that Slavery is Still Alive and Well...

How to: make your waiter/waitress love you

Waitressing: possibly the fastest way to lose all faith in humanity. For all those involved in the waitering industry and retail or shop-work in general, this post is probably not applicable to you as you have witnessed the failings of the human race first-hand. For those who do not, this might be of help. Here is a short piece on how to make your waiter love you eternally as a customer (not as a person, I don’t do miracles). Avoid the pitfalls of the unsuspecting customer and be a general top lad and your road to successful eating and flawless service has been paved.

       1.  I don’t make the food, I just take your order

The difference between the two may seem evident but this appears to be a common misconception amongst customers. I am a waitress. I take orders, attend to any issues you may have and ensure that you are generally having a great time at things. I don’t physically make the food, or have anything to do with the food-that is the chefs' and the food-runners’ job. Therefore, ordering something and chiming in that you “wouldn’t kill me if I lashed on some extra vegetables” or some “extra vanilla ice-cream with sprinkles”, followed by a cheeky wink, makes my life infinitely harder. To fulfil your request without charging you would involve me having to go in to the kitchen and personally ask the chefs for something extra which will result in them requesting a docket for it to prove that it’s gone through the system. As I haven’t charged for it, it won’t be IN the system, resulting in an argument. Chefs are crazy, hostile people. For my sake, please don’t make these obscene demands of me. They may seem simple in your head but they are far from simple in reality

2.  Kids in the restaurant-this is a place of service, not a zoo

For all those proud parents who decide to take their children to a restaurant, please observe some simple ground-rules. The general rule of thumb is if you would not normally let them behave in a certain way in public or at home, don’t let them behave that way in a restaurant. It baffles me when parents allow their kids to run rampant whilst people carry hot trays of food and liquids. There have been several close calls in work where I have been carrying plates and where kids have, quite literally, scurried under my legs or cut right in front of me and I have narrowly avoided a collision. Don’t get me wrong-I love children. It’s just, if I am carrying multiple heavy plates and if your kid becomes an obstacle and an obstacle that poses a substantial risk to me remaining on my feet, it’s going to come between my balance and your kid. And I’m sorry but it’s going to be your kid mowed over by my oncoming feet every time. It’s not even an intentional thing. I call it “self-preservation”. Instant reflex. Collateral damage. I don’t even make the decision, my body instantaneously weighs up its options of remaining balanced in a split second and in that millisecond, your kid’s safety is eliminated as a consideration.

I’m sorry in advance.

Also, children are messy, messy creatures. They don’t quite understand how to keep food on a plate yet and that’s ok. However, leaving the table like it looks like it has been scavenged by starving animals is not ok. Please, PLEASE for the love of God, clean up a little bit after your children. I don’t even mean a lot. Spending 20 minutes after you’ve gone trying to clean the place up is just not cool.

3.  The waitressing/slavery distinction

It appears that once you sign a contract for waitressing, you also sign away your fundamental rights as a human being. Expressly those of human dignity and respect. Waitressing does not give you license as a customer to treat me as a slave. The general rule is, if you would not treat a stranger on the street that way, then don’t expect your waiter/waitress to put up with it either. Do not expect me to curtsey as I leave the table. Also, wherever this habit came of clicking your fingers to gain attention-I am not a dog. A hand up or even eye contact if it’s not busy will be enough to draw my attention. Let’s not lose the run of ourselves here, people.

4.  It costs nothing to be nice

As waiters, we almost expect for you to be difficult. Being nice actually catches us off guard and it makes our little hardened, waitering hearts melt. Bless. If you are nice or polite OR EVEN BOTH, we will love you for all eternity. We will talk about you on our lunch breaks and refer to you as “that nice man”, “that lovely woman”, or “that amazing table”. I kid you not. You will become a legend in your own right. And we will do everything in our power to make sure that you leave with a smile on your dial and a pep in your step. We will welcome you with open arms if and when you return to us. However, if you are rude to us, don’t expect nice things in return. The concept of “spitting in your food” as far as I am aware, is not used in practise. Instead, everything will be carefully charged and accounted for and I will leave you waiting longer for water when I blatantly know you’ve asked me 10 minutes ago. What can I say? Karma’s a bitch. And since I like to think of myself as an agent of karma, I’m going to be a bitch too.

5. Don’t act as if I have the bubonic plague

Sometimes, if it’s a big table, it’s going to take me a while to clear it. I may be stacking your plates and other utensils for a solid minute-maybe even a minute and a half. It is incredibly awkward when people cease talking altogether whilst you are clearing. I am not a spy. I have little to no interest in your conversation if you wish to proceed. I also don’t have bubonic plague. It is okay to inhale the air when I’m there and I promise not to infect you. Stopping what you were doing results in awkward tension and makes it unpleasant for all parties involved.

6. Easy, Breezy, Beautiful

Whilst taking your order, I am reliant solely on your communication so please make it as clear and precise as possible so that the order is not lost in translation. I once had a table ask for “10 bottles of orange juice” only to say upon their arrival that they meant “Fizzy Fanta Orange”. There is a vast difference between orange juice, from oranges and Fanta orange. It resulted in the opened orange juices being set aside and me getting in to trouble with the bar manager for an incorrect order. Contrary to popular belief, I am not a mind-reader. I cannot deduce your intentions and infer them in to your order.

Although this appears as if I despise the catering business and all its inherent flaws, it is actually not all that bad. The majority of the customers are actually lovely, lovely people. It only takes one not-so-nice one to ruin your day, so let it not be you. For all thee waiters/ waitresses or retail staff out there, I salute thee.