Why board games at Christmas are never a good idea...

Christmas season: the season of goodness and generosity and Christmas cheer. One would think that a family, fun-filled board game would be an excellent idea to spend quality time with the family and expand on these themes. One would stand corrected in assuming this. You would think that the board games you played as a young, petulant youth which almost always ended in tears would take on a new meaning in your later adult years whereby you have now attained some level of patience, logic and maturity. One would also stand corrected in assuming this. If anything, board games played now, as an adult, are even more hostile, aggressive and tense than ever before.

The game of choice for my family is the trusty game of Monopoly (or Scrabble, on occasions). The concept of Monopoly seems perfectly family-friendly and recession orientated: Make good investments in choice properties and try to develop them as much as possible whilst simultaneously avoiding paying rent to the other players. Land on jail and go to jail. Land on income tax and pay for tax. Land on free parking and inherit all the money that has been set aside for taxes. All whilst rolling a dice and trotting your player-piece around a board. Seems simple, doesn’t it? It appeals to the older mind: negotiating deals, managing money, making investments and seeing them pay off etc. However, it has been in my experience that Monopoly brings out the worst in people. Unfortunately, the drafters of Monopoly never anticipated for the evil of human emotion to be mixed in to its game-play and never foresaw the devastation it has the power to cause. Or maybe they did and decided to unleash it anyways for their own entertainment. The bastards.

Firstly, comes the choosing of the player piece: be it, Dog, Knight, Race-car, Train, Thimble, Iron, Boat etc. This holds particular significance. This piece is representing you as a player for the duration of the game so there has to be a particular emotional connection to it. You know if you’ve managed to secure your lucky charm that this will be a good run and you need that assurance starting off. Failure to secure it leaves you with a sense of dread and a bitter taste in your mouth: this is not going to be a good game. You’re already at a loss and you haven’t even started yet. I also think that the piece that you pick is also quite telling of the type of Monopoly player you are, or have the potential to be. I’ve characterized them as follows:

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•      Dog- Appears to be cute, cuddly and innocent but could have the potential to bite if backed in to a corner.
• ·    Top-hat-Comes across as the height of gentlemanly-charm and manners but could this all be a front?
• ·   Race-car-Full of male bravado, arrogance and showiness. Makes brazen business deals and extravagant flashes of cash. Could this work to their disadvantage.
•       Ship-A beacon of strength, able to navigate its way through stormy seas…but the possibility of being shipwrecked is never too remote.
•     Thimble-With a hardened outer layer to protect them and their plans but is there anything of worth behind the façade?
• ·   Wheelbarrow-One to be watched. Puts the leg-work in at the start of the game without attracting much attention but then reaps the rewards in the end.
• ·   Iron-Has a mundane, ordinary approach but will inflict a scathing burn if you try to manipulate them
• ·    Knight- The height of grace and chivalry but when swords are drawn they are not afraid to get their hands dirty
• ·    Boot-Toes the line as regards the rules and will soldier on through good-times and bad. However, can administer a fierce kick if you get in their way
• ·    Train-Can be unpredictable, unreliable and waits for no man.

Then, the dice is rolled to determine first-player and then the game starts with a bang. Initially, it all seems like a bit of fun and everyone, with a full pocket of cash, decides to buy whatever property they land on first. I have been blessed and cursed with an extremely competitive nature and Monopoly feeds in to this nature. I don’t just enter in to a game “for the participation and fun of it”. God, no. I’m in it to win it. And win it I shall try, at all costs. Unfortunately, having numerous competitive people playing Monopoly results in a palpable change in atmosphere. First round aside, there’s a significant change in the air that would make even the most chilled of people feel uncomfortable. The “storming” phase has passed and players have settled in to their roles and tactics. This is no longer for a laugh, this is serious.

People always maintain that they don’t have a tactical plan to win Monopoly but this is a blatant lie. Our brains are trained to try to work out a strategy to put us in a favourable position. Unless you are really odd and in to self-sabotage, a pathway will have already been mapped out for you. Whether it involves just buying the services (Heuston Station, Shannon Airport etc) or banking on Shrewsbury and Allesbury, tactics are worked out and rigidly adhered to.

I also, can’t fully describe the game of Monopoly without reference to the corrupt banker. Many people ask how the bankers, which contributed to the demise of the economy, did what they did or abused their power in such a manner. I put it to these people to play the banker in one game of Monopoly and they will understand. It is almost like you have no choice in the matter: offer to be the banker and invariably, as the game progresses, all of your steadfast morals will go out the window. You will abuse this position of power in any way you can. It’s almost like a hidden clause in the rules of the game, “The banker shall always be corrupt”. And that is that.

As the properties go and negotiations are made, the tempo seems to up even higher. Landing on income tax is like a dagger through your heart. Suddenly, you are wishing that the gap between you and the next time you pass go will just evaporate. Jail is a welcome option rather than paying anyone any more money. Every negotiation and every deal is made with pain-staking deliberation. The breaking point always seems to culminate upon the buying of hotels and the imposition of these crazy rents whenever you land on someone’s hotel. Especially when they have multiple hotels. In a row. And you are left there, trying to navigate your way out of this red zone with only luck and a dice on your side.

Suddenly, when you are down to your last few bucks and the debts you owe are exceeding your assets, you begin to get incredibly irate. It is unfair that they expect you to pay so much for that hotel on that property. I mean, it’s not even in a nice area. They screwed you over in a negotiation deal earlier and refused to give you the property you had wanted so technically, it’s all their fault that you are losing. And they have those big, gigantic, red hotels everywhere just DARING you to land on them….and then you start to see red.

Poppy red, like the hotels. 

As snide comments are parted with and bitterness unleashed, all hell breaks loose and you’re on your feet shouting at them and they’re shouting at you. And it no longer has anything to do with the game and you’re shouting about the shitty present they got you or that they left the milk out overnight or how they never got you a pony for your eighth birthday. All the unrealized hopes and dreams of your childhood come pouring out and all their failings as a human being and fellow family-member too.

All this, from one measly game of Monopoly.

So for all the naïve families out there, who will reach for board games over the Christmas season, heed my advice and choose a less detrimental family activity that has less of a risk of turning ugly. Something without little, sharp pieces that can inflict a surprising amount of pain if thrown at force. 

Happy holidays, everyone.